“An Apple a Day Does Not Keep the Doctor Away”

While I was working on my nurse anesthetist client’s nails one day, I happened to ask her if she’d had any unusual cases lately. She replied “Well, there was one”. Then she told me about the time a prominant business man in our community (she did NOT name names & I didn’t ask, but I’d have LOVED to known who he was) came into the hospital with an apple up his butt!

Of course, at this point I am cracking up & asking all kinds of questions, like “What kind of apple was it?”, “How big of an apple was it?” & the #1 question everyone reading this is asking themselves………..”How on earth did it get up there?”. I can’t recall if it was a Red Delicious apple or what, but I do remember that she said he gave no excuse as to how it got in there, but it was your average sized apple. She said most people make up some kind of lame excuse to explain away the fact that this is bizarre behavior, but this particular man offered up no explanation.

They immediately had to do a procedure called an “extraction”, which probably is as unpleasant as it sounds. The man was given some sort of anesthesia or sedative & then just like a woman having a gynecology exam, his feet were placed in stirrups as he laid flat on his back on the O.R. table. The doctor then used various tools to widen the anus & removed the apple.

As I’ve learned from my client, this is not a totally uncommon occurrence. Evidently there’s a segment of the population that enjoys putting foreign objects into their rectums. Personally, I cannot imagine why. But that episode of “Jackass the Movie” comes to mind…….the one where Ryan Dunn puts a Hot Wheels car in a condom & inserts it into his own butt, then films the reaction of the clinic staff when the toy car shows up on his x-rays!

Anyway, after the procedure was finished the man left the hospital (without the apple, I believe). She said for days after that  incident, some of the hospital professionals with wry senses of humor began leaving apples on coworkers stations when their backs were turned. Talk about a gag gift (pun intended)! It’s still one of the most hilarious stories I’ve ever heard at the nail table. To this day I cannot fathom:

1) how exactly this man got the apple up there?

2) why an apple was chosen over other fruits (such as a banana, which would seem to insert easier due to it’s phallic shape, for instance)?

3) what the man thought the outcome would be?

All I can figure is that maybe he was into humiliation, otherwise why else didn’t he drive to a different town where nobody knew him so he could avoid the public embarrassment? On second thought, maybe he couldn’t sit in his car for a longer drive with that apple up his butt!